It’s sad to think my parent’s split up like 43 years ago, yet I still get caught up in their shit. I haven’t seen either since 2014, I barely hear from my Dad, yet I do keep in touch with my Mom more frequently. I mainly keep in touch with them via Facebook messenger. I have a private Facebook just for my family, for my own personal reasons. Again, I rarely hear from my Dad, and I think he feels content with his bare minimum. He’s always barely been there. Well, ever since he got with his wife.
She never liked me or accepted me. I first met her when I was 10 and he moved me into her house with him. I ran away to go live with my Mom when I was 13. I felt nothing but absolute coldness from her, and I don’t care how young I was, the energy I got from her was unquestionable. And he seemed so blind to it. He made so many excuses for her and her hard life. Hard life doesn’t mean you have to become a cold person. She was just jealous of me, and that is the truth. Afraid I would try to get him to leave her and get back with my Mom, although that wouldn’t have happened. She just obsessed over it and hated me because she felt I posed that threat. So I left, I stayed out of their life. I rarely heard from him. And I can only assume she has been delighted I wasn’t part of their life. I have no proof in all these years of anything otherwise. Last time I went to his house where he lived with her was in 1999, and I passed the living room to hang out with him in his computer room. She was sitting on the couch, facing in the other direction, towards the TV. I said “Hi” as a nice gesture, and she mumbled “Hi.” back, not even turning around to look at me. She has had him there for her and her kids and grandchildren, and has absolutely zero cares that hes been missing out of my life. Never one shred of concern.
As for my Mom, she doesn’t even like to hear about him. I think they used to get along until he got with his wife, and it seems he felt obligated to suddenly hate her, just to appease his wife. At least that’s how it appears to have gone down. My Mom is a widow now, and she lives alone. She has enough emotions to sort out and doesn’t need to hear about my Dad, who she has bitter feelings towards for the way things went down and for the way he’s not really in my life. I don’t even like to mention him because she gets all worked up.
My Dad doesn’t mention her anymore, but he would do it every so often throughout the years, making dumb comments. Once he told me be careful not to gain too much weight or I will look like my Mom. He’s the skinny one, she’s always been plus size. I think the last time he mentioned her was at a family reunion, where I had only been hanging out with him for about ten minutes, and he made some dumb comment. It was years ago, so I forgot what I said, but something subtle to express I wasn’t trying to hear any of that.
Well today something annoying happened. My Dad’s wife is old and she has been battling cancer for years now. Is that unfortunate? Absolutely. I don’t wish cancer on people. I’m not cackling in the moonlight about it. That’s sad. I’m sure it’s rough for him to deal with. Well today, after not hearing from him in quite a while, save for “likes” and comments on Facebook, he calls me. It might possibly be the first call from him all year. I missed the call and it went to voice mail, so I listened to it. Oh boy…
So he said his wife is 75 and not doing so good, so they want to renew their vows. She’s Catholic, and I guess they didn’t get married in church when they originally got married. So she wants to renew their vows in a church. But I learned that the church would require his ex wife (who he married in a church) to provide a letter declaring that the marriage is over, ended, or whatever. I have no idea why this is necessary, I am not Catholic or religious. But I guess the church needs that to approve of their marriage and consider him “officially unmarried to my Mom in the eyes of the church”. Sounds hella dumb to me. But this means he needs a letter from my Mom stating these things. So guess why he called. He wants me to me do him a favor and ask her for this letter. I said I would ask her, but my stomach was twisting because I knew my Mom would become ripe with bitter emotions. It’s just the way she is regarding him.
And I was right. I messaged her about it, and she needed a moment to gather herself before she actually read my entire message. All she needed to do was see the gist of what the message was about and she got worked up. She had to bring up the whole story about how he’s not around for me and how she tried to be nice to him over the years but he insisted on being difficult and hateful, and bringing up all the stupid details about why they divorced to begin with. She was so livid and it made me feel bad for even bringing it up to her. It definitely changed her mental space for the day.
I was honest and told her I support her decision, whatever it may be. She doesn’t owe them PISS. Especially the way they badmouthed her for so many years. She even badmouthed my Mom to me when I was 10 and lived at her house. And now they want a favor? I will chose my Mom over his wife’s dying wish. And that’s not cruel of me. His wife has always been cruel to me, and her cruelness scarred me. That’s why I stayed out of her life and lost time with my Dad. And my Mom’s decision is hers and I support whatever it is. Tough shit.
After my Mom ranted and raved, she decided No. End of story. She said saying yes wouldn’t make my Dad hate her any less and he wouldn’t be thankful. And she was livid he used me to ask her of this favor. She messaged me a reply to copy and paste for him, that last line saying that his decision to use me in this matter is repulsive and childish. Then she got off the internet to rest her mind and calm down.
I hated the idea of being the bearer of bad news and delayed my response to him. I just didn’t want to hear anything he had to say after hearing No. But I ended up messaging him. I didn’t copy and paste what my Mom said, because it would have added fuel to the fire.
I told him I relayed the message, but it didn’t go well at all. I said I didn’t want to get into the details, but I really hate getting dragged into the middle of the bitterness they have towards each other. I said I did nothing to deserve any of this and just want it to never happen again. I said I am sorry, but I tried. Then I logged out of my private family Facebook, and temporarily blocked his phone number from calling me. I’m washing my hands of this issue, not my fucking problem, and I will take what measures I need to protect my headspace. I don’t give a fuck, he needs to deal with his own shit.