Things have changed since the last contact I made with my Dad. I avoided checking my messages to see what his response was because I didn’t want to get caught up in any drama. But even avoiding it, the thought lingered in my head that I was avoiding the inevitable. I knew I’d have to eventually face whatever his response was .
I decided to check my messages. In response to my Mom not agreeing to write the letter he requested, he said, “That sucks.” But he also added that it doesn’t matter because when his wife goes, he’s going with her. So he implied suicide. I got upset, but knew I couldn’t contact him without being too emotional, and I didn’t want to give him more than he could handle because he’s already got his hands full with his dying wife.
I made the decision to contact one of my Uncles. I told him what happened and he actually got pissed, saying my Dad was wrong to get me involved and wrong to say what he said to me. He claims my Dad said that to me out of spite, as if he were thinking, “Fine, I’m not getting my way so I’ll say something hurtful.” Kind of like a child would do.
It was hard for me to imagine my Dad implying suicide just to spite me, and my Uncle went on to say my Grandma (their Mom) would always so manipulative shit all the time and my Dad probably learned from that. I felt that was low of my Dad to do, if that’s actually what he did.
After talking for about an hour, my Uncle said I was 100% correct in how I reacted and I need to keep on being myself, and that he’d talk to their other brother that sees my Dad more often to check on him and have him contact me with an apology.
My Dad texted me the next day and said he is sorry. He said he never meant to get me involved and there’s no bitterness, he just doesn’t want anything to do with my Mom. He claims he tried to hide his anger towards her from me, although I don’t feel that was exactly the case, because I remember his comments. He said he’s just having a hard time because his wife’s health is deteriorating fast and he’s been keeping it all to himself. He, then, started mentioning he’s always blamed himself for the distance between us.
I’ve always spared him that conversation. I’ve never told him exactly how I felt when he made me move to her house with him when I was ten and felt mentally abused and bullied by her. It happened at a horrible time, too, because I was bullied in grade school and was happy to go to a different middle school, only to move in with her and be bullied by an adult. I never told him how she made me feel and how I despised him for turning a blind eye to it. But of course I can’t bring this up because she’s dying and he’s focusing on her and stressing out. I always envisioned I’d get my time to express my side of the story and how that part of my life affected me for years to come. I was criticized for being a bad teenager but no one got to hear my side of the story and how everything affected me.
I thought explaining this all to him and making him understand would give me some sort of closure. But I can’t explain it to him now, not with his mental state of mind. And it’s not going to get any better after she dies. So when can I have this conversation? Perhaps never. Maybe I’m at a point in my life where it’s not necessary anymore. I’ve turned out great despite it all. So at this time, I’ve decided to bite my tongue. I told him just forget about the past and focus on now.
We continued to text about other things and I’ve tried to put him in a better mood. I encourage him to reach out to family so he’s not going through anything alone.