When faced with a situation

Things have changed since the last contact I made with my Dad. I avoided checking my messages to see what his response was because I didn’t want to get caught up in any drama. But even avoiding it, the thought lingered in my head that I was avoiding the inevitable. I knew I’d have to eventually face whatever his response was .

I decided to check my messages. In response to my Mom not agreeing to write the letter he requested, he said, “That sucks.” But he also added that it doesn’t matter because when his wife goes, he’s going with her. So he implied suicide. I got upset, but knew I couldn’t contact him without being too emotional, and I didn’t want to give him more than he could handle because he’s already got his hands full with his dying wife.

I made the decision to contact one of my Uncles. I told him what happened and he actually got pissed, saying my Dad was wrong to get me involved and wrong to say what he said to me. He claims my Dad said that to me out of spite, as if he were thinking, “Fine, I’m not getting my way so I’ll say something hurtful.” Kind of like a child would do.

It was hard for me to imagine my Dad implying suicide just to spite me, and my Uncle went on to say my Grandma (their Mom) would always so manipulative shit all the time and my Dad probably learned from that. I felt that was low of my Dad to do, if that’s actually what he did.

After talking for about an hour, my Uncle said I was 100% correct in how I reacted and I need to keep on being myself, and that he’d talk to their other brother that sees my Dad more often to check on him and have him contact me with an apology.

My Dad texted me the next day and said he is sorry. He said he never meant to get me involved and there’s no bitterness, he just doesn’t want anything to do with my Mom. He claims he tried to hide his anger towards her from me, although I don’t feel that was exactly the case, because I remember his comments. He said he’s just having a hard time because his wife’s health is deteriorating fast and he’s been keeping it all to himself. He, then, started mentioning he’s always blamed himself for the distance between us.

I’ve always spared him that conversation. I’ve never told him exactly how I felt when he made me move to her house with him when I was ten and felt mentally abused and bullied by her. It happened at a horrible time, too, because I was bullied in grade school and was happy to go to a different middle school, only to move in with her and be bullied by an adult. I never told him how she made me feel and how I despised him for turning a blind eye to it. But of course I can’t bring this up because she’s dying and he’s focusing on her and stressing out. I always envisioned I’d get my time to express my side of the story and how that part of my life affected me for years to come. I was criticized for being a bad teenager but no one got to hear my side of the story and how everything affected me.

I thought explaining this all to him and making him understand would give me some sort of closure. But I can’t explain it to him now, not with his mental state of mind. And it’s not going to get any better after she dies. So when can I have this conversation? Perhaps never. Maybe I’m at a point in my life where it’s not necessary anymore. I’ve turned out great despite it all. So at this time, I’ve decided to bite my tongue. I told him just forget about the past and focus on now.

We continued to text about other things and I’ve tried to put him in a better mood. I encourage him to reach out to family so he’s not going through anything alone.

Parental Drama

It’s sad to think my parent’s split up like 43 years ago, yet I still get caught up in their shit. I haven’t seen either since 2014, I barely hear from my Dad, yet I do keep in touch with my Mom more frequently. I mainly keep in touch with them via Facebook messenger. I have a private Facebook just for my family, for my own personal reasons. Again, I rarely hear from my Dad, and I think he feels content with his bare minimum. He’s always barely been there. Well, ever since he got with his wife.

She never liked me or accepted me. I first met her when I was 10 and he moved me into her house with him. I ran away to go live with my Mom when I was 13. I felt nothing but absolute coldness from her, and I don’t care how young I was, the energy I got from her was unquestionable. And he seemed so blind to it. He made so many excuses for her and her hard life. Hard life doesn’t mean you have to become a cold person. She was just jealous of me, and that is the truth. Afraid I would try to get him to leave her and get back with my Mom, although that wouldn’t have happened. She just obsessed over it and hated me because she felt I posed that threat. So I left, I stayed out of their life. I rarely heard from him. And I can only assume she has been delighted I wasn’t part of their life. I have no proof in all these years of anything otherwise. Last time I went to his house where he lived with her was in 1999, and I passed the living room to hang out with him in his computer room. She was sitting on the couch, facing in the other direction, towards the TV. I said “Hi” as a nice gesture, and she mumbled “Hi.” back, not even turning around to look at me. She has had him there for her and her kids and grandchildren, and has absolutely zero cares that hes been missing out of my life. Never one shred of concern.

As for my Mom, she doesn’t even like to hear about him. I think they used to get along until he got with his wife, and it seems he felt obligated to suddenly hate her, just to appease his wife. At least that’s how it appears to have gone down. My Mom is a widow now, and she lives alone. She has enough emotions to sort out and doesn’t need to hear about my Dad, who she has bitter feelings towards for the way things went down and for the way he’s not really in my life. I don’t even like to mention him because she gets all worked up.

My Dad doesn’t mention her anymore, but he would do it every so often throughout the years, making dumb comments. Once he told me be careful not to gain too much weight or I will look like my Mom. He’s the skinny one, she’s always been plus size. I think the last time he mentioned her was at a family reunion, where I had only been hanging out with him for about ten minutes, and he made some dumb comment. It was years ago, so I forgot what I said, but something subtle to express I wasn’t trying to hear any of that.

Well today something annoying happened. My Dad’s wife is old and she has been battling cancer for years now. Is that unfortunate? Absolutely. I don’t wish cancer on people. I’m not cackling in the moonlight about it. That’s sad. I’m sure it’s rough for him to deal with. Well today, after not hearing from him in quite a while, save for “likes” and comments on Facebook, he calls me. It might possibly be the first call from him all year. I missed the call and it went to voice mail, so I listened to it. Oh boy…

So he said his wife is 75 and not doing so good, so they want to renew their vows. She’s Catholic, and I guess they didn’t get married in church when they originally got married. So she wants to renew their vows in a church. But I learned that the church would require his ex wife (who he married in a church) to provide a letter declaring that the marriage is over, ended, or whatever. I have no idea why this is necessary, I am not Catholic or religious. But I guess the church needs that to approve of their marriage and consider him “officially unmarried to my Mom in the eyes of the church”. Sounds hella dumb to me. But this means he needs a letter from my Mom stating these things. So guess why he called. He wants me to me do him a favor and ask her for this letter. I said I would ask her, but my stomach was twisting because I knew my Mom would become ripe with bitter emotions. It’s just the way she is regarding him.

And I was right. I messaged her about it, and she needed a moment to gather herself before she actually read my entire message. All she needed to do was see the gist of what the message was about and she got worked up. She had to bring up the whole story about how he’s not around for me and how she tried to be nice to him over the years but he insisted on being difficult and hateful, and bringing up all the stupid details about why they divorced to begin with. She was so livid and it made me feel bad for even bringing it up to her. It definitely changed her mental space for the day.

I was honest and told her I support her decision, whatever it may be. She doesn’t owe them PISS. Especially the way they badmouthed her for so many years. She even badmouthed my Mom to me when I was 10 and lived at her house. And now they want a favor? I will chose my Mom over his wife’s dying wish. And that’s not cruel of me. His wife has always been cruel to me, and her cruelness scarred me. That’s why I stayed out of her life and lost time with my Dad. And my Mom’s decision is hers and I support whatever it is. Tough shit.

After my Mom ranted and raved, she decided No. End of story. She said saying yes wouldn’t make my Dad hate her any less and he wouldn’t be thankful. And she was livid he used me to ask her of this favor. She messaged me a reply to copy and paste for him, that last line saying that his decision to use me in this matter is repulsive and childish. Then she got off the internet to rest her mind and calm down.

I hated the idea of being the bearer of bad news and delayed my response to him. I just didn’t want to hear anything he had to say after hearing No. But I ended up messaging him. I didn’t copy and paste what my Mom said, because it would have added fuel to the fire.

I told him I relayed the message, but it didn’t go well at all. I said I didn’t want to get into the details, but I really hate getting dragged into the middle of the bitterness they have towards each other. I said I did nothing to deserve any of this and just want it to never happen again. I said I am sorry, but I tried. Then I logged out of my private family Facebook, and temporarily blocked his phone number from calling me. I’m washing my hands of this issue, not my fucking problem, and I will take what measures I need to protect my headspace. I don’t give a fuck, he needs to deal with his own shit.

Friday

This week went by slow, and now the weekend is finally here! I do have a few plans but also want to get my lazy time in!

I’ve been missing the gym and Body Combat, but I did have the chance to go to a couple of impromptu classes and had a great time. I don’t know when the gym will reopen, or when group classes will be available regularly, but I made a decision to try something out. If doors have closed, open a new one. I won’t share yet until I decide if I’m sticking with it.

I want to play Chrono Trigger this weekend but let’s see if I am productive enough to allow myself to piss the rest of my time away.

Loving the new job

It’s been almost two months and I love the new job. So different than my last job. I feel everything is fair and people are so much more mature. Professionalism is encouraged. I love my desk. I love the commute.

I finally have a decent selection of work clothes that I rotate around. I could use a few more pieces! I’m eager to layer up when the weather gets cooler!

We are still dealing with the pandemic and a lot of businesses aren’t open. I am very fortunate to be working.

In other news, I’d like to focus more on exercise and photography.

Social Media 2020

I always get annoyed by social media, but this year is especially annoying. Yes, I am complaining.

People flipping out over everything involving Covid, people being assholes over making excuses about not supporting the fight against injustice against the oppressed, people looking to argue about politics in full arrogance. So much pointing fingers and so many people trying to put themselves on a higher tier than everyone else.

The Covid thing…people have been arguing over it from the beginning, fighting over masks and poorly adapting to how the world is now changing, just because they want to be ignorant and selfish. The whole quarantine didn’t affect me much because I like staying home, anyways. I do miss the gym and I miss shows, but that’s about it.

Black Lives Matter. I don’t understand how people aren’t getting the concept of this. Maybe they don’t want to get the concept because they don’t want to support it. I am someone who has always had a place in my heart for those who are oppressed, and I can’t stand hearing people grasp for excuses to continue accepting injustice. It’s disgusting to see how many people are revealing ugly sides of themselves right now. You really can’t look at them the same afterwards. But I am not going to stress over anyone I lose respect for. I prefer to have people in my life who believe in acting with kindness. There is a lot of injustice going on in this world right now. Black people being killed by cops, trans people being killed, femicide in Turkey and other countries, children being detained and sexually assaulted, sex trafficking…the list goes in. All of it is so ugly and weighs so heavily that sometimes it’s hard to see what is right in this world. And people are fighting about politics, but I can say Fuck that Cheeto-ass mother fucker, since this is my blog. He’s fucking disgusting. It’s not a surprise that most people who support him, I notice, seem to enjoy acting like trolls. Shit supports shit, I guess.

Speaking of shit, I am tired of most peoples internet behavior. I recently allowed some new people to add me on my social media, and I was quickly reminded why I don’t like most people on social media. Some people are barely tolerable in person, but on social media they’re repulsive! This is really making me look inward, making sure I am more aware of my own actions so I am not seen in this kind of light by others.

One thing I will mention is there are some people I know who have an amazing aura and give off light. They are kind, possess a quiet confidence, they have the ability to share their warmth with others, and they don’t carry themselves egocentrically. I always have respect for people like this and I strive to be that kind of person. When I get annoyed by other peoples personalities, I need to be aware of my own personality and be 100% sure I don’t come off that way.

For example, it’s pretty annoying when people try too hard to project certain images of themselves for others to see. It’s super obvious and a total example of insecurity.

“I want every one to think I am a tough-ass/bad bitch. So therefore, I am going to post a bunch of quotes, images, and related topics so everyone realizes I have this kind of attitude. Being a sarcastic asshole helps build this persona, so I need to put that out there, too. Fuck around and find out lol!”

This is literally what these people think. And it’s so obvious. Every thing is a fucking flex. Everything is for a pat on the back. Everything is for validation. Everything is a chance to upstage others. As annoying as I find this, I will actively be aware that I don’t come off like this. I just need to exist and act. No need to share myself under the best light in excess.

I think I need to unplug myself a little. Or maybe navigate myself towards those people who give off light and learn from their ways.