Social Media 2020

I always get annoyed by social media, but this year is especially annoying. Yes, I am complaining.

People flipping out over everything involving Covid, people being assholes over making excuses about not supporting the fight against injustice against the oppressed, people looking to argue about politics in full arrogance. So much pointing fingers and so many people trying to put themselves on a higher tier than everyone else.

The Covid thing…people have been arguing over it from the beginning, fighting over masks and poorly adapting to how the world is now changing, just because they want to be ignorant and selfish. The whole quarantine didn’t affect me much because I like staying home, anyways. I do miss the gym and I miss shows, but that’s about it.

Black Lives Matter. I don’t understand how people aren’t getting the concept of this. Maybe they don’t want to get the concept because they don’t want to support it. I am someone who has always had a place in my heart for those who are oppressed, and I can’t stand hearing people grasp for excuses to continue accepting injustice. It’s disgusting to see how many people are revealing ugly sides of themselves right now. You really can’t look at them the same afterwards. But I am not going to stress over anyone I lose respect for. I prefer to have people in my life who believe in acting with kindness. There is a lot of injustice going on in this world right now. Black people being killed by cops, trans people being killed, femicide in Turkey and other countries, children being detained and sexually assaulted, sex trafficking…the list goes in. All of it is so ugly and weighs so heavily that sometimes it’s hard to see what is right in this world. And people are fighting about politics, but I can say Fuck that Cheeto-ass mother fucker, since this is my blog. He’s fucking disgusting. It’s not a surprise that most people who support him, I notice, seem to enjoy acting like trolls. Shit supports shit, I guess.

Speaking of shit, I am tired of most peoples internet behavior. I recently allowed some new people to add me on my social media, and I was quickly reminded why I don’t like most people on social media. Some people are barely tolerable in person, but on social media they’re repulsive! This is really making me look inward, making sure I am more aware of my own actions so I am not seen in this kind of light by others.

One thing I will mention is there are some people I know who have an amazing aura and give off light. They are kind, possess a quiet confidence, they have the ability to share their warmth with others, and they don’t carry themselves egocentrically. I always have respect for people like this and I strive to be that kind of person. When I get annoyed by other peoples personalities, I need to be aware of my own personality and be 100% sure I don’t come off that way.

For example, it’s pretty annoying when people try too hard to project certain images of themselves for others to see. It’s super obvious and a total example of insecurity.

“I want every one to think I am a tough-ass/bad bitch. So therefore, I am going to post a bunch of quotes, images, and related topics so everyone realizes I have this kind of attitude. Being a sarcastic asshole helps build this persona, so I need to put that out there, too. Fuck around and find out lol!”

This is literally what these people think. And it’s so obvious. Every thing is a fucking flex. Everything is for a pat on the back. Everything is for validation. Everything is a chance to upstage others. As annoying as I find this, I will actively be aware that I don’t come off like this. I just need to exist and act. No need to share myself under the best light in excess.

I think I need to unplug myself a little. Or maybe navigate myself towards those people who give off light and learn from their ways.


Haywire hormones

For the first time in my life, my monthly cycle has flipped the fuck out. This blog entry isn’t for everyone, and it might not be for anyone. So you can stop reading now, unless 40something year old women’s health is of interest.

I’ve only been “late” once in my life. I was nine days late in my early 20s. It was the only time in my life that I thought I was possibly pregnant, but I test proved I was not, and then my cycle came and confirmed it. But my cycle shows up every four weeks, maybe a bit early. It’s been regular, even after I lost an ovary in 2018. But my last cycle was in November and completely skipped December. That has never happened so it caught my attention and I figured something is definitely happening or something changed. My doctor suggested lab work, but the tests came back normal. I messaged her, asking what I should make of it, and she suggested I contact my gynecologist. But before I could do that, I noticed light spotting. Nothing major, just a tinge. It went on for about five days. A peach or raisin colored tinge.

I was like, “So, is it coming or going, or what’s going on here?” But then on the 6th day, there was normal blood. I figured all of that tinge shit I had seen for almost a week was just things trying to happen until it finally did. And the next two days were horribly heavy and crampy. And I felt absolutely crabby and on edge. Things simmered down after that, and even looked as if it was going to go away entirely, but it’s still lingering around. So altogether, my cycle has lasted twelve days now. Barely there, heavy, or regular, but twelve fucking days. What the fuck is happening? This isn’t normal for me. And I am pretty damn grouchy. I still have some lingering cramps. I feel gross. I haven’t been to the gym in a week.

Last time I went to the gym, I tweaked my lower back out. It hurt for a few days, but I think it is better now. My knee still hurts on and off every day. I should return to the gym soon now that my cycle is simmering down. Hopefully it will go the fuck away soon. I’ve never felt so grouchy and hormonal in all my life. I have such a consistent mood and am completely thrown off my how off my mood has been lately. This is a major source of stress that is adding to the stress of everything else right now. What I need is for my cycle to go away, get back to the gym to blow some steam, and continue to hide at home and amuse myself with relaxing things. And I definitely need to reach out to my gynecologist and let her know what’s been going on and get her opinion.


Either way, I need self care.

I had to go to the ER yesterday for mysterious chest pains. I’d say I’ve had about five episodes of chest pains within the last two or three weeks, but it was so fleeting that I wasn’t too concerned. It was more like I was aware. But they really only lasted about 20 seconds. It wasn’t such a pain that I struggled with it, it was more of a pulsating feeling with a light pain that simply let me know it was there. I was concerned, of course. It would sometimes happen at work when I am sitting at my desk, but most of the time when I was relaxing in bed.

But yesterday was different. I was at work, extremely busy. It’s been that way lately. The owner has been trying out new things and making changes, but it actually seems like he’s trying to give his employees ulcers and run his business into the ground. It’s the classic case of having a skeleton crew and working them into the ground, also compromising the integrity of the company. It’s been extremely stressful, but I have been pretty good about pushing on and sweeping my stress under the carpet just to get the job done. It doesn’t always help that my other office coworker is friends with upper management and can get away with doing less work and focusing more on personal matters, such as gossip, her cell phone, and anything else she feels like doing that isn’t work.

Anyways, back to my episode yesterday. I was taking and making a lot of calls, multitasking, and the chest pains happened again. My chest also felt tight, my hands felt slightly cold and tingly, and it started making me feel anxious. I felt weak and wondered what would happen if all of this lead to me losing consciousness at work. I wanted to take a break so I could process what was happening to me and relax to see if these sensations went away. But the phone was still ringing, my coworker was busy arguing for almost an hour with her bank about a missing deposit on company time, and I didn’t know where my manager was. I tried to keep working and ignore it, and it was unfair that I couldn’t just immediately create some space for myself to deal with my chest pain. I started getting more upset and anxious, and finally my manager walked into the office. I decided I needed to leave. I told her I was having chest pains and I should go. She seemed concerned and said of course I could leave, and I should call the doctor. I called the advice nurse in my car and she said go to the emergency room.

My chest pain went away on my way to the ER, but I needed to make sure I was okay. I got an EKG, some blood tests, and a chest X-ray. Thankfully, the tests they ran for my heart all came back good! I was very relieved. The doctor told me that she suspects my chest pain has been due to either acid reflux or stress. She asked if I eat a lot of acidic things, and I said not particularly. She told me to take note if I get chest pains again, and keep what I ate in mind. Honestly, I don’t even experience any of the other symptoms of acid reflux, so I am not going to dwell on that unless it’s further looked into by my doctor. As for stress, I told her I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, and I am well aware that I usually sweep it under the rug. Most of my stress is from work! The only other things I have stressed over lately is my cat, and then I had to spend money on my car recently because one of my windows was having issues. Perhaps I believe I can mentally handle my stress, but maybe my body is tired of suppressing it.

And why wouldn’t my job be the main source of this stress? The fact that I felt I was too busy working to take a time out and concentrate on my chest pains is a sign of how stressful my job is. I had to make the decision to put myself first when I shouldn’t have even had to decide. I should have just walked away from the desk once I knew something was wrong and just left the damn phone to ring and ring. But no, I have to be too responsible and can’t let things in the office fall apart. Why should I even care that much at my own expense. Everyone else shits on that place, why should I allow myself to stress the way I do?

I am supposed to follow up with my doctor about my ER visit soon. I don’t know for certain what has been triggering the chest pains, but I do know I am stressed. The doctor said I should definitely spend more time on self care. I will because I don’t do it enough. And I should do so without explanation.